As a society we are outwardly focused. We want someone to tell us the rules of love and how to give it and get it. This ‘process’ is not about that. You won’t find any hard and fast rules on how you or others are supposed to behave in order to find and keep love. There are no secret formulas for making someone love you or give you the love you want.
Free yourself from ‘Victimhood’
Consider this – our lives are a work in progress. Most of us live as though there were a future ‘out there’ somewhere and that all we need do to fulfil it is to live passively until we bump into it at some designated and preordained time. This is a fantasy and a rather harmful one at that. In order to own that our lives are an act of invention we have to give up the idea that we are victims. This may not be an easy one for many of us. We may have difficulty giving up the yoke of victimhood for several reasons. We may have built an entire identity around being victimised, knowing ourselves only through its burden. We may feel being a victim brings us much desired love and compassion for others. Perhaps we are attached to punishing others or blaming them. Or we may feel that no one has truly heard us or understood our pain. These are understandable reasons to continue under the weight of victimhood. Yet the price tag is incredibly high. Simply put, remaining a victim costs you love. Hopefully we will be able to alter your relationship to this role by inspiring you to the wonderful possibilities that exist for you by giving it up.
Intentions versus Expectations
Most of us live our lives by NOT setting intentions but rather by having expectations. These expectations go largely unfulfilled and often lead to feelings of disappointment and resignation. This is because we do not see ourselves as needing to be an active agent in the fulfilment of our dreams and desires. The issues we have in our relationships are mirroring back to us our internal issues with ourselves. If we are having difficulty sustaining loving, nurturing, and committed relationships, the place to look is at your relationship with yourself. Ask yourself in what ways are you failing to love, nurture and commit to yourself?
Without changing our internal relationship with ourselves, we cannot create lasting change simply by altering external behaviours. When you alter your internal landscape, you effortlessly and authentically adjust your external behaviours, and life will begin occurring differently. Because you have dealt with the source of the difficulty, once you transform these internal conversations your external world will forever be altered. And not just for as long as you remember to follow a set of rules and regulations that may feel forced and unnatural to you.
You may not agree with all that I have said or you may not be sure at this time, of their relevance to you. However, for the purpose of this work, I ask that you try them on for size and at least given them a chance to work in your life. You can always discard them later. Truth be told, once you master these premises in the service of bringing your beloved into your life, you can use them to create the fulfilment of your deepest and most treasured dreams in any area of your life.
Expanding our Capacity to Love and Be Loved
The reason why many of us do not have the love we are longing for is that we have not yet become the people we will need to be in order to attract and sustain that kind of love. Romantic relationship today is a tentative and uncertain thing. No longer is getting married the safe and secure way to go. Whereas once upon a time people coupled up out of economic and social necessity, we now seek to form such unions in an attempt to create soulful and meaningful lives. Yet much of the time, falling in love means that we end up standing by helplessly as we watch it all slip through our fingers. Some would say that romantic love is an illusion. a trick or something. In the aftermath of a devastating breakup, we find ourselves asking, was he or was he not my soul mate? Is this really as good as it gets?? But we know at some level that romantic love holds a promise we can’t quite comprehend.
If you are truly ready to change your life and the relationships in your life, you must be willing to grow beyond the person you are today. Because the person you are today has created the experience that you have already had.
As such your task is to grow yourself healthier and stronger in order to create a space for a remarkable love to enter your life. As long as we are acting out our past wounds and disappointments, we will most likely remain frustrated and unfulfilled in our attempts to bring the love we so desire. In return, we only attract those in our lives who reflect what we are holding on to. We have to face our fears and come to terms with our own woundedness. We must cultivate or ability to express the characteristics of love in all our encounters. If we don’t, we will most likely have trouble sustaining the love that does come into our lives. You just need at this point a willingness to start by opening yourself to the opportunities of love that surround you.
- Sit on the floor cross-legged.
- Begin by stretching your arms out in front of you, palms together, elbows straight, with your arms parallel to the floor.
- As you inhale through our nose, open your arms widely to the sides, expansively bringing your shoulder blades as close together as possible.
- As you stretch, place your awareness on your heart. Imagine your heart opening and expanding as you fill your lungs with air by continuing to breathe in deeply. Feel your arms stretch out as though they were giant wings, while keeping your arms parallel to the ground.
- When you’ve stretched as far back as your arms will go, begin exhaling strongly through your nose, bringing your arms slowly back to the original position. Again, press your palms together, keeping your arms parallel to the ground the entire time. Silently say to yourself with each expansion: “I open myself fully to give and receive love“
Throughout your day, whenever you think of it, breathe deeply into your heart, repeating silently to yourself, “I open myself fully to give and receive love“.